Friday, November 25, 2011

Ask-a-Dude: Tangled Tides Edition!

Hello, everyone, and welcome back to another installment of Ask-a-Dude!

I had a very special Ask-a-Dude planned for today dealing with the European Exchange Rate Mechanism and how it's used to vet potential Eurozone members.

But just as I was putting the finishing touches on that post, something remarkable happened!

Karen Hooper's water broke!

That's right, Karen Hooper, our very own Special K, is having a baby! Weighing in at 14.7 ounces and measuring 8.5 inches, please say hello to her new baby named Tangled Tides! (I think it's a family name).
Lucas if it had been a boy
Woohooo! I am told mother and child are doing fine and that Tangled Tides is already spewing meconium all over the other YA romantic fantasy in her section. You go, girl!

In honor of Tangled Tides, which is available NOW at all fine booksellers, Special K is hosting a Twitter contest where you can win a signed copy of the newborn! If you head over to karenamandahooper.com, you'll find a list of sea creatures featured in her book with details on each one. To enter the contest, choose one of the sea creatures and let the world know whose side you're on (and why) by tweeting your choice! Be sure to include the hashtag #TangledTides to make sure you're entered!

So I guess I'll start. My name is Copil Yanez, I'm an Aquarius, I enjoy moonlit walks and I like Sirens like this one!
Fly, Siren, Fly!
Why? Duh, because they sing like the unholy love-child of Adele and Onslaught (the X-Men character with mind control powers? No? Oh, never mind). Also, someone told me that in human form they wear thigh-high tulip boots. I'm a sucker for tulip boots.

Andbutalso, to keep the party going, we're offering a copy of the book right here! To enter a chance to win, simply leave a comment below, letting us know which sea creature you chose and why. On Monday we'll pick one person at random to receive Karen's amazing debut! No, Karen, you can't enter. Thems the rules.

Yeah, it's time to get out your umbrella because it's raining awesomesauce all up in this bitch!

Seriously, we are so thrilled for our fellow operative and honored to be working with her. None of us can wait to get a copy in our hands!

Congratulations, Karen!

As a final tribute to Karen's offspring, today's Ask-a-Dude will answer the following question:

Q: What do guys really think of mermaids?

A: Honestly, most guys haven't given much thought to mermaids. For most of us, our initial contact with merfolk was this dude:
You know what they say about the size of a man's belt buckle
Now before you get your fish sticks in a froth, I know Aquaman is not a merman. He was a human who could stay underwater longer than a U.S. mortgage and communicated telepathically with fish to make them do his bidding (just like my ex, Vanessa). He was also a member of the Justice League, built like a steroid junkie and lived next to Spongebob. What's not to like?

So why do guys have a problem making the leap from Aquaman to merkind?

Simple. Men don't trust anything that lacks discernible genitalia.

That includes Barbie and Ken dolls, anything that reproduces via sporogenesis, those giant blue people from Avatar and, of course, merfolk.

Now I'm not entirely sure merfolk don't have genitalia. I mean, clearly merfolk reproduce somehow. Maybe mermen spew their seed into the water and then mermaids squeeze their eggs into the semen cloud for fertilization. So basically like the Duggars do it.

I'm just guessing, of course. And that's the problem. If men can't picture the coital process easily then we can't draw obscene stick figure representations of it. To guys, crude drawings, which we fold with great care into triangles and flick across the room to our bros, help us fathom the world around us. They're like bathroom stall versions of the Lascaux cave drawings (only with waaaay more boobage). To guys, perception is reality and without apprehensible scenarios easily depicted in lewd images, we're all like “meh.”

Look, maybe merfolk genitalia is removable. Or invisible. Or painted in fish-scale camouflage. Whatever the explanation, I expect to find it in Karen's book along with why mermaids have such silky Pantene hair when it's obviously over-hydrated and chock-full of ocean chlorides.

So in addition to amazing storytelling, great romance and fantastic adventures, I'm telling my buds to read the book for explicit depictions of mersex (also known as the fish with two backs, riding the seahorse, knockin' fins, and spelunking Ariel's grotto).

It's time for guys to overcome their anxieties about dickless fish people. The chance to unravel tantalizing merfolk mysteries far outweighs our fears. And as soon as one of us (usually the least talented and most profane) has an answer, he will send around .jpg attachments titled “MERFOLK THREESOME, OPEN IMMEDIATELY – NSFW!”

And thus is how knowledge spreads among our kind.

(Love you, Karen!)

Copil Yanez keeps a gorgon in his pool to control algae blooms. Anatomical drawings of merfolk as well as stick figure boobie jokes should be sent to copil [dot] yanez [at] gmail [dot] com.

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