Friday, March 23, 2012

Ask-A-Dude: Hunger Games Edition!

Hi, everyone! Welcome to another edition of Ask-a-Dude!

Remember, you can ask your own questions using the submission form on the right!

Now as you know, The Hunger Games premieres today! Yay! But according to my mailbag, not everyone is as thrilled as we are. I know, the mind boggles.

Here's today's question:

Q: Dude, my girl bought two tickets to a movie called Hunger: The Game. But I'm super tired from my job as an armpit sniffer for Old Spice deodorant. All I want to do tonight is lob some Mickey's grenades and chill with my bros. How do I get out of this?*

A: Aren't you the charmer?

Where to begin...

Okay, first of all, unless you're in kindergarten and your “girl” still has milk teeth or wears pull-ups, you should call her by her first name. Calling her your “girl” makes it sound like you chose her out of a brochure from the old country and took away her passport and return ticket home.

Next, you've got the title wrong. Hunger: The Game isn't a movie, it's what dudes call lunch. For some reason, guys can't accept simple, established names for things. We name our mustaches after NFL quarterbacks and call our hands “arm-feet.” That's just weird. Call stuff by its correct name. It's called The Hunger Games.

Smokey the Bear says: Only you can prevent flaming genetically engineered mocking birds
What exactly is The Hunger Games? Only the most anticipated movie of the year. It's based on a bestselling novel by--

Whoa! Whoa there, tiger! Sit back down. Yes, I said novel but stay with me for a minute. Look, I know you haven't had good luck with movies that are based on books (or “table levelers” as you call them).

The Vow
Based on a novel by: Kim & Krickitt Carpenter with John Perry
Is about: a man who tries to win back his wife's heart after an accident leaves her unable to remember him.
You thought it was about: Steven Seagal's vow to pull a guy's heart out through his balls.

The Help
Based on a novel by: Kathryn Stockett
Is about: a civil rights era author chronicling the hardships experience by African-American maids.
You thought it was about: slutty maids who bow-chicka-bow-wow and then something, something, whatever.

Look, we've all had our hearts broken, big guy. Doesn't mean you can't learn to trust again. I mean, it's not always bad news.

Fight Club
Based on a novel by: Chuck Palahniuk
Is about: Fight Club
You thought it was about: Fight Club.

Planet of the Apes
Based on a novel by: Pierre Boulle
Is about: apes taking over the planet.
You thought it was about: apes taking over the planet.

On a continuum, The Hunger Games comes closer to Planet of the Apes than The Help so you should give it a chance. Yes, yes, I know, the fact that your girlfriend wants to see it makes the whole thing suspect. And if I had your track record with women, I might be a little suspicious, too. But how long are you going to beat yourself up for accepting a pretty Moldovan's invitation to her hotel room where you woke up the next morning in a tub full of ice? Shit happens, bro. And honestly, even that wasn't so bad, was it? I mean, she paid for the jalapeƱo poppers. And only a greedy bastard needs two kidneys.

C'mon, it's a night out with your girlfriend and she bought the tickets! This is your chance to show her how much you love her, to convince her you are willing to do stuff you irrationally fear will render you dickless. Also, you get to prove you're not always focused on work. Maybe then she'll see armpit sniffing as the noble profession it really is and finally recognize that, as the industry's leading practitioner of that lonely art, you are the only thing standing between smelling like this:

I eat two of these a day and then just blow tropical scented steam outta my pores!!
And smelling like this:

Ugh, my hair is frizzing
Here's my suggestion. Call your bros and tell them you'll see them tomorrow night when you debut the Cascading Beer Fountain you've been working on for three months.

Then focus on tonight. Choose a nice dress shirt. Not that one. No, not that one either. OH GOD TO THE NOES, MY EYES, NOT THAT ONE! Stop! There, that one! Now put on some clean underwear (NOT the crotchless type) and wear your only pair of dress slacks. Did I mention showering? Yeah, do that first or you'll get all—wow, uh, okay, just run outside for a bit, you'll be dry in an hour.

Hey, you clean up real nice!
Okay, now what about doing something thoughtful for your girlfriend? She did buy your ticket and, unlike you, she probably won't ask you to reimburse her through PayPal. Flowers would be nice. But you can do better. You're good with computers, right? You could put together a romantic slideshow using photos from both your Facebook walls!

Here's an example of one I made for my dear wife on our third anniversary. Watch it to the end and then tell me it didn't make you cry:

The people at Animoto completely disapprove of my use of their technology.

I'm telling you, my wife cried for weeks.

Okay, so let's run through the checklist:
  • Dress
  • Shower (in that order but, whatever)
  • Flowers
  • Thoughtful slideshow
  • Gas up car
  • Pick up girlfriend
  • Go back for shoes (seriously dude?)
  • Drive to theater
  • Offer to pay for snacks (just do it, cheapskate!)
  • Have a seat and enjoy your movie!
Now remember. No whining. I know you're tired but she didn't ask you to do four-count Burpees at the top of K2. She invited you to sit in a cushy reclining seat, one with built-in slots for snacks and soda. The same kind rich Japanese people use to take dumps.

Little known fact: Japanese men pee through their left index fingers
Okay, I think you're ready. Dude, you are gonna LOVE The Hunger Games! It's got action, adventure, awesome characters and blood galore. I know, right?!

Oh, I almost forgot. This woman plays the main character.

Imma kill you with mah setsi
Yeah, I see it now. I should have just led with that.

* The question submitted may have been modified just a teensy-tiny bit to better reflect what the questioner actually meant.


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