Monday, May 14, 2012

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day!

Woo-hoo! Noisemaker!! Yay!!! Confetti!!!!

Ooh, sorry, I'll keep it down. Nice hangover! Yesterday must have been a doozy, huh? Breakfast in bed, brunch with the fam and then a grandiose parade of jewelry and chocolates plus a nice, quiet three hour writing jag while hubby played outside with the kids. All topped off with dinner at that fancy restaurant in town where they don't even have a kid's meal but if they did it would come with foie gras and a nicely paired bottle of imported free-range cow's milk.

Wait, whut? You did't experience an orgy of gratitude and appreciation on Mother's Day?

Oh, then you probably asked the hubster to keep it simple, right? You prefer handmade macaroni necklaces from the kids and a quiet picnic in the mountains where you fall asleep to the sounds of wind rustling through the--

What? Well, you got a card, right?


Moms, can we have the room for a minute? I need to talk to the guys. No, it won't take long.

Are they gone?

Okay, guys, seriously, what is going on? Your wife, the mother of your children, the light of your life, not to mention the only person on this Earth short of a licensed therapist willing to put up with your special brand of douchebaggery, just got the butt end of nothing for Mother's Day! MOTHER'S DAY!

You think moms have it easy? Raise your hand if you think Moms have special days just for them strewn all over the calendar. Okay, now take your hand down if the "special" day you're thinking of has anything to do with menses because that TOTALLY DOESN'T COUNT!

Ugh. Okay, let me see how bad it is. Consider Mother's Day an epic fail if you:

  1. Gave her some extra shuteye while you made breakfast...using every single pot, pan and utensil in the kitchen. Bonus points if you thought it was "cute" when the kids made pancakes from scratch and now there's a "cute" dusting of flour on every surface. Double bonus points if you left the mess for her to clean up.
  2. Spent the whole day on a golf course getting ugly drunk with your bros because you thought she might like to get out of the house and spend her special day taking the kids to get school clothes.
  3. Couldn't be bothered to call the woman who spent eighteen hours in labor trying to squeeze your watermelon-sized head through a lemon-sized hole because, you know, Western Conference playoffs.
  4. Got her any clothing more than half a size bigger than her actual size. 
  5. Gave her any of the following: laundry detergent, something from the Swiffer line of products, coupons, a non-ironic apron, a Slurpee, an impromptu lecture on women's reproductive rights or anything you had to explain with the words, "I got this for both of us."
  6. Made reservations for an expensive dinner at a romantic Italian place and then explained to the mother of your children why you were taking your mom instead of her.
  7. Forgot it was Mother's Day.

Guys, c'mon. It doesn't take much. Some honest effort, a little consideration. Look, you've got 364 days to make up for yesterday. Start planning now and you might just be able to pull this off next time. Take some notes, find out what kind of flowers she likes and where she's dying to go for a special dinner. Then make arrangements to give her a day off from dealing with the kids or coming home from work and still having to clean up after your sorry ass.

You can do this!

Shh, okay, they're coming back. Act natural, maybe they didn't even notice this time. . .
Hi. Erm, yeah, about yesterday. . .

(Happy Mother's Day, y'all! Hope you had a great one!)


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