Friday, June 22, 2012

Ask-A-Dude: Fifty Shades of Grey Edition!

Hi, everyone!

Welcome back to another edition of Ask-a-Dude! Remember, you can ask your own questions using the submission form to the right!

Let's get right to today's NSFW Q&A!

Q: I've been hearing a lot about Fifty Shades of Grey. What is that?

A: Fifty Shades of Grey purports to be an erotic novel but is, in fact, a cleverly disguised societal Rorschach test in which readers from all walks of life find conclusive evidence to support their deeply held beliefs about the world.

Think America is in rapid decline and everyone should start a Doomesday Prepper-style tilapia breeding pond out back?

Fifty Shades of Grey.

Think Americans are more sexually repressed than a Mormon missionary with dual scaphoid fractures?

Fifty Shades of Grey.

Think a pleasant Friday night involves your Kindle, some lube and a bag of rubber schlongs?

Call me.

OMG, SEE?! This is EXACTLY what I've always said! About ties!
I haven't read the book and I'm not about to judge anyone who has. I'm of the opinion that most books are gateway drugs. If you're not a big reader but find yourself drawn to something for the titillation factor, then I say vaya con dios, my horny friend. Sure, it starts with a finger in some orifice you didn't even know you had but eventually your reading adventures will lead you to ache for a Mr. Darcy to call your own. What you do in the privacy of your own Amazon Wish List is nobody's business but yours.

Which makes me think this recent revolution in literary privacy may have something to do with the book's success. In ancient times, Nosy Nellies on the subway could legally demand that you repent for your choice of reading matter: 528 Hail Mary's for each page of that filth, young lady!

But now, no one knows what you're reading on your infernal mechanical book-a-tron. Maybe you're reading the latest Linux Admin's manual. Of course, you could just as easily be studying the Kama Sutra. Only the deepening blush in your cheeks and your labored breathing will betray you.

Is that a roll-your-own-distro in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Everything would be just fine if that were the end of it. But nooooo, all the people who read the book had to go flapping their gums and sucking. . .the oxygen out of the room thus making autoerotic asphyxiation that much easier which is ironic because it's on the main character's HARD LIMIT list of things he WON'T do. Shortest. List. Ever.

So many people started talking about the book, it felt like the Atkins craze all over again. Yes, I know you love it. Yes, I know you lost 40 pounds on it. Yes, I know you can make Faux Fried Rice using nothing more than chopped broccoli, oil and spices. Stop, JUST STOP!

Faux Mashed Potatoes
Given all the talk about the book recently, you'd think it was brand new. And to us guys, it is. We simply don't have the brain capacity to understand the following sentence: Fifty Shades began its life as a Twilight fan fiction called Master of the Universe under the pen name "Snowqueens Icedragon." If Snooki dressed in letters, she would wear that WTF sentence.

What is this thing you call Twilight? And fan fiction? And Icedragons?

Gimme a minute, Imma run that through Google Translate (Mommy Porn to Manglish setting).

Ah. Got it. The author previously workshopped the material among trusted genre readers, created a platform for her work, self-published, garnered good word-of-mouth and then found a major publisher to re-issue an updated version. And she's done okay. And by okay, I mean that the paperback has surpassed the Harry Potter series for fastest selling ever. It could not have done better if it had shipped with a Fifty Shades-themed rabbit vibrator.

What has two thumbs and lurvs rabbits?
Given all the attention, you'd think more guys would have read it, even if they did so accidentally, like maybe they were reaching for the 48 Laws of Power and missed or something? But not a lot of us have. So I guess I should make some kind of effort to decipher the thing for guys so they can smirk and giggle judgmentally whenever the book is mentioned.

Okay, let's take a look at the cover. Ah, I see a problem right away. The tie on the cover uses a Four in Hand knot.

The Four in Hand is basically the Penn & Teller of tie knots. Not quite love-on-silk-sheets-at-the-Bellagio with David Copperfield but better than quickie-in-a-MickeyD's-toilet with David Blaine. It'll gussy up a suit, it's just not a very classy knot. What does it say when your main character is a sophisticated, complicated mysterious billionaire but his tie knot is known as the School Boy?

How's that? He's not using it for his shirts? He's using it to. . .

Um, I gotta go. I was supposed to pick up a copy of 48 Laws of Power. Oh no, not for me. It's for a friend. Schmopil Shmanyez. You don't know him.

You can follow Copil on Twitter (@copil). Also, watch for his new stunt memoir coming next year. Along the lines of Julie & Julie and My Year of Living Biblically, Copil will perform a new Fifty Shades fetish each day (with pictures).


Eliza Tilton said...


Anonymous said...

Haha, my friend read that book and gave me a graphic recount of it. I will never be the same again.

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