Friday, July 27, 2012

Ask-a-Dude!


Hello, everyone! And welcome back to another edition of Ask-a-Dude!

Remember, you can ask your own question using the submission form on the right!

Today's question is:
  
Q. Do guys think tattoos are sexy?

A. We've covered tattoos before and they definitely seem to be a growing trend. Which means that if you want to make serious money, you'll open a Dr. Tattoff anywhere you find a liquor store within a hundred yards of a college campus. Something about that mix seems to increase the likelihood that someone's going home with the Japanese Kanji for "Kentucky Fried Sex Machine" on his forehead. And that's just no way to go through life, son.

I grew up with pretty conservative parents. But I was allowed to have a tattoo at any time so long as I came home from the tattoo parlor, packed up all my things, moved to a foreign country, changed my name and cut off both ears in redress for the shame I brought upon Casa Yañez. Tattoos were completely verboten (or whatever the Spanish word for verboten is - seriously, Mexicans have a different word for EVERYTHING).

Tattoos were taboo. Which meant they were totally sexy.

Search 'sexy tattoos' and you get Johnny Depp. But get a Johnny Depp tattoo, is that sexy? Or just meta?
I saw plenty of tattoos on the street, in movies and in magazines. And a little ink here and there seemed illicit and exciting. Like catching a glimpse of lace under a petticoat. (What, petticoats? So I grew up when dinosaurs still wore spats. Sue me).

I didn't start to see my friends get tattoos until I was in college. And the first friend I remember getting ink was this girl I'll call Carlotta, on account of that was her name. Carlotta came home one night from partying with her friends and, while holding up a wall and making bedroom eyes at a Fathead of John Elway, told us she'd gotten a tattoo. 
John Elway - Denver Broncos - NFL
Throw me your love, John.
Carlotta's tattoo was still under gauze so we didn't get to see it that night. But over the course of the next few days, she described the tiniest, most delicate butterfly, flapping its wings in mid-flight over a sun-dappled stream reflecting its image. It sounded stunning and I, for one, was anxious to see this angelic piece of art. I was really excited. The fact that Carlotta's tattoo was situated on the inside of her left thigh and that it would be the first thigh I had ever seen that wasn't breaded, fried and slathered in Frank's RedHot Buffalo Wings Sauce had nothing to do with it.

A few days later, Carlotta called us into her dorm room and said she was ready to show off the dainty illustration that would flutter silently on her thigh until she joined the gossamer utopia it depicted in heaven.

With great anticipation, I watched as she pulled up the leg of her boxers to reveal. . .

THE. MOST. HIDEOUS. TATTOO. EVER.
Nope.... GIF - Nope....
No joke, it covered more real estate than Donald Trump and looked like it had been punched into her skin with a ball-peen hammer. It had all the subtlety of a crying Hawaiian Elvis velvet painting and could not have been mistaken for a butterfly (it was obviously an homage to an obese, mange-afflicted turkey throwing off the kind of air ripples that rise from a rancid smell).
This image has been removed. . .to save your F***ING EYES!
We called the tattoo Murderface and only spoke of it in whispers after that.

I learned a valuable lesson that day. Tattoos are the habanero chili pepper of the body modification world. Adding a light habanero marinade to your taco meat turns your tummy into a fiesta with a few buddies, some Marc Anthony on the iPod and Coronitas on ice. But too much habanero turns your party into a torture porn horror show complete with human centipede, Rammstein vs. Skinny Puppy on endless loop and nothing to quench your thirst but a glassful of the Devil's butt sweat.

My point is, a little goes a long way.

No question, guys think tattoos are sexy so long as they don't overwhelm the canvas. Chances are, if you feel comfortable in your ink, guys will like it too. But just to be sure, avoid getting them done for "mates rates," while you're drunk or anytime you're under the influence of unicorns.

AFFS, if you're going to get a butterfly tattoo, always take a lepidopterologist with you!

Got ink? Tell us about it in the comments!


Copil has a tattoo on his right butt cheek. It's an arrow pointing to the other butt cheek and the words "I'm with stupid." Tell him about yours on Twitter (@Copil).



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