Friday, November 30, 2012

Ask-A-Dude!



Hello, everyone! Welcome back to another edition of Ask-a-Dude!

Remember, you can ask your own questions using the submission form on the right!


Today's question is:

  
Q: I called my boyfriend cute and he freaked. Is that normal? 

A: You WHAT?!

How do you even live with yourself you unholy skeletess? What on Earth possessed you to use the dreaded "C" word?

Whelp, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you but this is your life now:


  • Friday - Your boyfriend avoids you at school/work/court-ordered community service.
  • SaturdayYour dinner-and-a-movie plans are unceremoniously cancelled when he goes to visit a dying uncle whose name you've never heard. When you ask for picture proof, he sends this:
He's, um, my Uncle Hey-Zeus  from the Mexican side of the family
  • Sunday - All your messages go unanswered, even the proxy ones you send via his bros, mom and, in desperation, XBox Live account.
  • Monday - You spot him wiping away streaked mascara and hugging his buds who won't let you into the Circle of Trust. As you leave, you hear him say, "Well if she doesn't know what's wrong, I'm not going to tell her."
  • Tuesday - He changes his Facebook status from In a Relationship to Widowed.
  • Wednesday - Drunk dialing. So much drunk dialing.
  • Thursday - You get a text asking if you guys are still on for all-you-can-eat shrimp at Red Lobster?
  • Friday - At dinner, you ask if everything's okay. He gives you a funny look (like when a dog sees itself in the mirror) and says, "What are you talking about?"
YMMV.

Now, admittedly, you'll end up right where you started. But is it really worth a whole week of your life?

Look, I know you were trying to be nice. Sweet even. In your mind you were paying him a compliment. But you have to understand that from the moment a word leaves your mouth to the moment it's understood by your boyfriend, it must traverse a complicated, hostile environment like this one:


This isn't a game, it's an MRI
Say the right word and you win! He'll snuggle you as big spoon while you watch Veronica Mars re-runs all weekend. Say the wrong word and you lose. Now you're inside a mental cage, gnawing on your own leg to survive.

Part of the issue is that the male brain applies definitions according to a mind-map that's very different from yours. For example, here are 4 words followed by 4 pictures. Match up the correct photo for each word.
  1. Cute
  2. Yummy
  3. Gorgeous
  4. Top drawer, wot?

A. 
B. 
C. 
D.  -

Correct Answers: 1-C; 2-C; 3-C; 4-C

Ask your boyfriend to take this same test. Now do you see the problem? 

It's not simply a matter of mistranslation. If you had called him yummy and then licked your lips, he might understand you want him to kiss you already. (Or he might think you need some Taco Bell Doritos Locos Tacos Supreme. Either way, he's happy because sexytime or tacos, it's all good.)

But when you use the word cute and don't immediately follow up with a detailed PowerPoint explaining why you love his jawline or think he looks hawt in skinny jeans, he is now left with the only definition of the word he understands.

Cute = Emasculated.

Seriously, using the word cute around a guy is like telling him you invited Edward Scissorhands over to shave his junk. The word causes a dangerous drop in testosterone, loss of hair and the liklihood he'll take up dressage. Congratulations. You're dating a princess. 

I know it's not your fault. It's ours. When you use a word we don't understand, we should just ask what you mean. You'd probably say cute means fine, hot or sexy, right? Note: I suggest you start with sexy as the other two might result in similar misunderstandings.

But since all wars and 90% of sitcoms hinge on men not asking simple questions to clear up huge misunderstandings, he's not likely to ask what you mean. So how to avoid losing a week of your life?

One way is to eliminate any word a guy is likely to misunderstand and only add words with clear male meanings to your vocabulary. That's fine if you're cool with functional illiteracy. The only upside is that you'll be like an Intercourse Eskimo. You'll know a hundred words for sex.

A better solution is to let Johnny Depp explain the phenomenon of words with multiple meanings. Why?

Because Johnny Depp.

In the following clip, he explains the many meanings of fuggedaboutit [NSFW].


Show the clip to your boyfriend and then explain that cute also has many meanings and be specific about which one you meant.

With any luck, and Johnny Depp's help, your guy might just get a clue.

If not, then. . .fuggedaboutit.



Copil once did a cute thing back in the nineties. It's been downhill since then. You can see for yourself on Twitter (@Copil).

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