Friday, February 22, 2013

Ask-A-Dude: Pillow Edition!

Hello, everyone! Welcome back to another edition of Ask-a-Dude, where I mansplain what makes guys so infuriating. With my help, your male characters will sound just as clueless as the real thing!

Remember, you can ask your own questions using the submission form on the right!

Today's question is:

Q: I asked my boyfriend if he liked my new pillow shams and he looked at me like I was insane. Why can't we have nice things?

A: Let's start with the obvious:

pillow shams:pillows::extensions:hair

You're living a lie, woman! It even has "sham" in the name, how is that not a clue? I mean, a pillow sham is simply decorative fabric wrapped around a pillow which in itself is simply decorative fabric wrapped around feathers. At best, you've created some kind of meta-pillow or the next step in pillow evolution.

I get it, you love pillows so much you had to create a pillow condom to keep them disease-free. But the whole pillow fixation has gone too far. We're inundated with them and women seem hell-bent on covering every square inch of exposed space with pillows of every size, shape and color.

Y'all have gone overboard! Outside of cargo cults that had crates of them wash up on shore, thus bestowing them with magical properties, no one should worship pillows. Sing their praises, maybe. Talk about them in whispered awe, sure. Write epic love poems to them, absolutely.

But worship? 

Oh, you think you're immune, huh? Your pillow don't stink? Well try this: remove all the pillows from your bed. What's left? For most of you I bet there's no bed, just a discolored patch of carpet, some old Ryan Gosling pictures that you cut out of a magazine ransom note style and your Burn Book from eighth grade.

At some point, we allowed pillows to become the Cory Booker of home decor, able to fix any interior design nightmare quickly while looking handsome doing it.
  • Bed look a little boring? Pillow it!
  • Want to hide a stain on the sofa? Pillow it!
  • Grain silo explosion? Pillow it! 
They're pillows, for goodness sake! The only reason men tolerate them at all is because some of them look like marshmallows!

There's a fundamental difference in perception between men and women. When a woman looks at a couch, she thinks, "Hey, that looks like the perfect altar for my pillow fetish!"   

When a man looks at a couch, he thinks, "Hey, that looks like a nice place to create butt-shaped dimples."

We tend to think in more functional terms and we just don't see the function for all those colorful pillows, especially the ones with the beads sewn into them. I mean, c'mon! Do you know what would happen if you actually tried to sleep on one of those? You'd wake up every morning with an image of a bird imprinted on your cheek.

It's like you're trying to brand us! Mark us as your own! We're not chattel! 

I wish I could tell you that men like pillows. But we don't. If we could have our heads and necks supported by an elaborate pulley system suspended from the ceiling, we'd say goodbye to pillows altogether. But since that's not practical and it would look damn creepy for anyone waking up next to it, we're stuck with those feather-filled cotton bags.

Maybe some day the purveyors of this cult will come to their senses and stop selling the bill of goods that says pillows are special.

I hope that happens soon, because if it doesn't, I'm afraid you'll see rampaging hordes of men careening through Ikeas and Pier One Imports all across this great land, tearing open the joyless sacks and spilling their fill all over, like a cold, cold snow.

Oh, wait, sorority pillow fights. 

Okay, we're good.  

Copil once dissected a pillow to see if it had a soul. Nope. For more fascinating pillow discussions, follow him on Twitter (@Copil).


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